Monday, 1 June 2009

Poo-related karma

So we're finally back on South-Coast chalk and if the 5-hour car journey in the blazing heat is an example of what happens when we leave home, then I may never set foot outside the front door ever again. I'm sure it's something to do with karma and the cosmic universe - you know what I mean - the good times only last so long before you're made to pay. We had a truly fantastic week in Norfolk - Good food, sunshine, plenty of outdoor activities and no stresses or strains of normal day to day life with two small children (apart from lack of sleep - but I'm saving that for another post). In short, a little bit or R & R. But in the space of 5 very loooooooooooooooong hours, it was pay back time. One hideously painful hour for every fun-filled day we'd just had.

Let me explain in a little more detail. Now I may, or may not have mentioned that Edie is in the middle of being potty-trained. If you are a regular reader of this blog, then you'll know that we've had a few...ahem...problems in this very area. But we are making progress. She's now out of nappies in the day and using her potty and the 'big girls' loo' for her number ones. Hardly any accidents. Number twos, however, are slightly more miss than hit, unfortunately for all involved. So that'll be unfortunately for me then... And as you can imagine, given this background information, a 5-hour car journey could provide a number of, how shall I put this?...Rather indelicate situations.

Could and did.

Add to this the fact that the one day we chose to drive 200 miles home conveniently turned out to be the hottest day of the year...and when you're stuck inside a car, with or without indelicate situations, it's not very pleasant at all.

I won't bore you with the trivial details of 5 separate wee wee stops in the first hour, all of which required pulling in to a side lane, extracting small children from car seats, holding them aloft, legs akimbo (parents of boys may not be able to empathise here), trying desperately not to let that small trickle of wee (which did occur to me half-way through each and every procedure that it was hardly worth stopping for in the first place), trickle dangerously close to clothes, or worse still, bare feet in flip flops, whilst at the same time, trying to remain inconspicuous to passing traffic.

Like I said, I won't bore you with the details.

The part about the turd though, I will have to disclose, because, well, I owe it to you...You can thank me later.

So, just as we'd finally navigated our way through the small lanes that make up most of North Norfolk and made it on to the motorway, I heard the words that I was praying I wouldn't hear.

'Mummy I need a ca ca' (That's a poo to you and me).

Strangely enough there was no inconspicuous country lane to pull over into. There was, however, a potty. A kind of 'chair' potty with an insert part for the seat which I couldn't recommend highly enough for those of you thinking of potty training your children. I'm not sure my reccommendation would stretch as far as using it on a car journey though...

Somehow I managed to pull Edie out of her car seat - don't worry - husband was around and he was driving - you didn't think I was that crazy did you? Anyway, I plonked her on the potty - inbetween the two car seats. And, unbelieveably given the circumstances, she managed to produce a rather fine looking specimen. Now is it just me, or has anyone else ever wondered how a relatively small child can produce a rather adult-looking turd? Maybe this is too much information. I'll stop...

In my excitement at seeing my youngest child perform under stressful conditions, I must have taken my eye off the ball for one milisecond too long. In truth, I think I was reaching for the wipes between my feet. Excuses aside, I took my eye off Edie long enough for her to take the insert part out of the potty and offer it to me, a look of pride etched on her still baby face. I almost had a second to share her pride, but at that precise moment (it was karma I tell you), the car (not husband of course) decided to apply the breaks a little too hard and the rather largish, rather sticky, exceedingly smelly, quite repulsive, in fact, turd, ended up being deposited halfway between the gear stick and the dashboard, a little towards my side.

I am, if nothing, fairly practical and not particularly squeamish...but this, was not how I'd wanted to spend my car journey. In the one second it had taken for Edie's poo to land next to me, all the country walks, barbeques, tractor rides and relaxation had been erased. I could have cried. Instead, I managed to pick up the offending object which had now, unfortunately, become objects and stashed them away inside a plastic bag. I'm electing not to mention how many wipes were used in the clear up or how long it actually took. Suffice to say, I'm happy to do the driving next time...

And a perfectly-timed text from a friend was just about enough to send me over the edge...

'Hope you're enjoying the sun. We're in the back garden with the paddling pool out'.

I looked at the plastic bag, with it's revolting smell emanating through the plastic fibres and filling up the car in the 30 degrees heat and decided to laugh. It was, after all, just another day in the life of a parent.

As for the turd, I can't actually remember what became of it...

Luckily I don't have a 'proper' job to go to, or I could follow More Than Just a Mother's rather unfortunate example and find myself taking it to work with me. I'll be thankful for small mercies then...

56 comments:

  1. OH MY GOD!!! I laughed mr arse off at this... but you poor love! We've all been there with poo under the fingernails, even stray ones on the floor but never on the dashboard! Thats a special kind of parental talent!! If it makes you feel any better I did actually catch some poo once... on purpose! SC was tiny, 4 weeks old, and the photographer decided we could do an Anne Geddes type pose with her in OH's cupped hands. She was naked. And yep.... she decided to do a Mr Whippy poo mid air. Seeing as we were artfully arranged on our bed at the time I decided to catch it! Nice! xxx

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  2. Mmmmmm lovely! Bet you never imagined that one day you'd be writing stuff like this in the blogosphere..very, very, funny though!! XX

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  3. Hilarious - though I'm sure it wasn't at the time. The things we write about on these blogs, eh?

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  4. YEUCKKK!!!! I have only one piece of advice, sell the car, its the only way you'll be able to travel without remembering the incident. The joy of parenting, I can recall an infamous car set poo when toddler boy was about 4 months old and we drove from Blakeney to Wells next the Sea without a change of clothes for him and only about 3 baby wipes left. It only happens once doesnt it!

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  5. Holy shit (bad pun intended) I would have gotten sick all over the car. You are a better mother than I!

    I was always the little girl that had to pee along side the road and I almost always nailed my feet or clothes.

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  6. I laughed so hard reading this and covered my eyes at one point because i knew what was going to happen! poor you! but you got a good post out of it even if the car did smell of turd (love that word lol!) x

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  7. Oh how funny! Can you laugh about it yet?
    We've got the joys of potty training looming ever closer...
    Reminds me of when our eldest was about 3 weeks old. He did a monster poo that leaked everywhere, including onto my pyjamas. I was changing him when he threw up on me, then with nappy off he peed. My poor pyjamas!

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  8. Oh, it's always better at home... We left our journey back as late as possible - even letting Charlie wander round Avebury at eight o'clock in the evening. Meant it was dark most of the way back, but still stressful.

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  9. It gets better - honest..... Poor you, but equally very funny.

    Lx

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  10. Oh I had to laugh at this one!!! I really feel for you having to clean it all up. My son would only ever use a nappy for poos for quite a while, and we often found random poos around the house (and I agree they always look like adult poos)!! Fantastic post!

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  11. oh God, this made me feel slightly sick. Dread to think what you guys felt like! :-)

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  12. TOO FUNNY! At least you can now see the funny side, i think i'd have opted to cry so well done you. That's a new one the "dashborad" although i did have eating the poo incidents which were very unpleasant :)

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  13. It is a mystery how they manage to produce quite so much crap from such a small, tiny body. And I can totally empathise with the picking it up and putting it back in the bag (been there, too, sister, feel your pain)
    This post made me want to keep One in nappies forever. Except I'm reading We Need to Talk about Kevin and that is weighing the balance for me..

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  14. That Girl - Ooh I love to see those photos - bet they were beautiful! Yes, we all have wonderful poo stories - it's almost commonplace - can't even think why I'm blogging about it!!

    Reasons - Indeed. Who knew hey?! I never would have imagined that poo would be my main topic of conversation for oooh...how long has it been now??...5 years?! Nice...

    Tasha - I know! Ridiculous. But there's one good thing about blogging (apart from the many as we all know) - it's that when something awful happens, at least we know it will make a good post!

    ZooA - No - it happens more than once!!! I have too many poo stories to tell (it's not even funny after a while). But yes, it always happens when you've run out of wipes or nappies or clothes. The worst poos always happen when you're least prepared!

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  15. OP - Am loving the new name btw - And yes - I did nearly gag, but had no choice but to hold it together. Don't think my sick would have helped matters...

    Amy - I know - it was inevitable wasn't it?! Told my Mother on the phone and she thought I'd made it up - like I said to Tasha above - the one good thing about awful things happening is that at least you know you'll get a good post out of it!

    Sandy - Oh I just love poo stories. Why do they always make us laugh?! Yes - have had the poo and the sick and the wee simultaneously too - it never gets easier!! And good luck when it comes to potty training - it's hideous!!!

    The Dotterel - I know I know. What were we thinking?? Definitely the later the better - under normal circumstances. We had a kiddies birthday party to get back for though - in hindsight we should have given it a miss, but I was trying to put the children first. When will I learn??

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  16. Lydia - I'm really hoping it does!!! For fear of jinxing it all, I won't say 'it can only get better'!!

    Clarey - Yes clearing it up just about finished me off - in fact if I think about it too much I get a little nauseous...and yes - have also found random poos around the house - to this day I didn't know whether they were a small child's or a cats!!!

    allgrownup - Yes - sick sick sick...but had to hold it together. Am trying not to recall it too much lest it sets me off again!

    Wife of Bold - Ooh eating poo - so I'm not the only one then??? I only met one other person who ate poo too - looks like we're now a little club of three!! Did you write a post about it??? Please point me in the right direction - I'd love to read about it. My 'poo eating' post is here if you're interested!!! - http://emilybassin.blogspot.com/2009/03/this-takes-biscuit_09.html

    Mothership - Oh yes - have read We Need to Talk About Kevin too - good job I read it AFTER I'd had children or it may have put me off forever. Potty training is never easy - even if you've been through it before. Best just to let it happen (she says - sounding so in control). It's all a farce, obviously!

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  17. OMG that is the funniest story ever, I hoped you got some rest after that vacation!

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  18. Why oh why do I have to visualise this??? Another reason to leave potty training for a little while yet...
    Hope you're relaxing a bit after this horrendous journey home!

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  19. Noooo, no, no, no, no, NO! I'm sorry but I did laugh also, but I'm sure once littlest girl is potty training that particular betrayal will come back to haunt me. Have a good time "being at home" luv and commiserations Karen x

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  20. OMG that takes the cake. My girls are out of nappies but strangley I still love poo stories.

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  21. Margarita - The vacation was the rest!!! It's back to the daily grind now ;-( Poo just about finished me off...now need another holiday!

    cartside - Oh please try not to visualise it - I don't want to be responsible for making you ill!!

    MGM - Oh don't worry - you laughing wasn't a betrayal - at least if people laugh something positive comes out of it. It was truly horrendous, but I'm laughing about it too now because what else can I do? And yes, looking forward to hearing all your potty training stories when it happens!

    AMM - What is it about poo stories?? They can go on and on and we never get bored of them. Actually though - this isn't even my worst poo story - the one about me eating poo takes the biscuit I think!!! It's way back in the archives. Don't like to think about it for too long though - makes me feel a little queasy!

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  22. An absolute classic. But go Edie on the potty front! What a little super star. Luke still firmly in nappies - couldn't face it during our holiday. The potty use starts today and the no nappies is for Monday.

    And I do have a quiet thank you moment for little boys at every wee stop we have.

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  23. Nothing like Motherhood, is there! Poo and car travel, yay, something to look forward to.

    You were in my neighborhood, I might've seen you. I played at Great Yarmouth beaches, the Broads, Dereham and Swaffham-- did we pass each other? (I was the lady hitting her head against the wall while being surrounded by very active children).

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  24. If there was a poo related award you'd have it! Sadly there isn't one so you will just have to pick from one of mine over at my blog! x

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  25. Ooooo, nasty! When do the toilet problems stop? I had a five year old needing the toilet on the underground last week - heaven help me!

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  26. BiB - Ha ha - yes - bless her - she's doing really well (!) It's not over yet...definitely not over, but we're getting there. Good luck with Luke. Can't wait to hear all about it!

    ibhh - Oh that was you then??? Yep, saw you!!! No, seriously though - probably not - we were near the broads (went to Wroxham Barns to the farm bit so the girls could feed the lambs, hold baby chicks, etc), but we pretty much stayed in the Grandparents garden. Always easier that way!!

    Clarey - Yes - I'm waiting for that award (that and the idiot one for a few other posts). But thankyou - I will come on over to yours xxxx

    WM - I'm with you - I don't think they do stop!! Renée still has her moments!!

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  27. OMG - how I laughed!

    A poo in the car - still she did though!

    Well done!

    (Not on the poo that ended up by the gearstick)

    Still giggling.....RMx

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  28. I'm always talking about poop with other moms! I guess we do it here in bloggyland too. Hilarious post!

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  29. The turd story was the first thing that I read this morning! Was not expecting it!
    Don't think I'd have risked taking her out of the seat belt.
    Twas a funny story that made me laugh.

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  30. RM - Yes indeed - at least she did it! Not sure whether it would have been messier in the pants...!! Can't work that one out.

    septembermom - I know - why is poo always a funny topic? It always makes me laugh, except of course when I'm in the middle of it - although even I had to laugh with this one!

    Maggie - Sorry - didn't mean to set you up for the day like that! Hope you've recovered... Yeah, the seatbelt thing was a bit tricky, but it had to be done - there was nowhere for us to pull over and when you gotta go, you gotta go!!

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  31. Oh honey. I am feeling for you soooo much. That is quite a tale. We have had some interesting poo incidents ourselves of late, ever since Joss has been in big boy pants. Peeing is no problem but he doesn't seem able to tell when something more solid is on the way. Still, nothing to rival your experience - just a few 'little presents' left for me on the living room carpet etc.

    I take my hat off to you for surviving the incident with your sanity intact. Think in future, perhaps either have a potty installed in Edie's car seat (a la Victorian chair-cum-chamber pot) or alternatively a taxi-style screen erected to separate you from the offending business. And Family-pack of baby wipes at all times. ;-)

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  32. Holy crap! I'm thankful mine have grown up!

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  33. Flying poo, yuck ;-)
    I was impressed by the rolling loo invention. Will get back to you and ask you for advice, once we are crossing that bridge. But for now: in huggies I trust!

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  34. Mamma Po - oh thanks honey - yes it was truly hideous although now it seems as though it didn't happen at all - because when I read it it sounds like it happened to someone else if that makes sense! Yes, a chamber pot would be handy - although you can still ioft those up can't you?!!! Time....it's the only healer!

    Maddie - Hee hee - nice pun - yes indeed.

    MetMum - Ooh even Huggies aren't runny poo proof. Just you wait!!!

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  35. It is funny how poo stories always manage to be such a hit! I do feel for you though, the hottest day of the year??? Not fair! :)
    PS: Love the Blog!

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  36. polkadot - I know - poo stories still make me laugh (and I'm 35)! - Except of course when they happen to me! And yes, hottest day of the year stuck in a car trying to mop up flying poo was not ideal...Thanks for th elovely comment - your blog is great too - glad I found you x

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  37. Poor you! Makes for a great story though. Give it a few years/decades and you'll be looking back with laughter.

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  38. Oh no Edie!!! At least this time it wasn't on the top of the stairs just next to your room... lucky you!
    I'm glad that you had such a good time in Norfolk!!
    Lots of love
    miss you!!!

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  39. LOL Oh Dear. You need to enter this post into some kind of "Road trip from Hell" contest. Sorry, but I did get a good giggle at your expense.
    No one tells you about this stuff when you sign up for the glorious job of motherhood:)

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  40. PMPM - Yes I did think whilst it was happening 'at least there is an upside...'! At least it will make a funny blog. The things we have to do for posts these days hey?!

    Marion - Hello honey - we miss you too! Yes, at least it wasn't on the stairs - although that may have been slightly easier to clean!! Come back. I need your help x

    MM - I know - no one tells you anything!! I want my money back! Hey, at least I made you laugh - that has to count for something! x

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  41. Ooh what a story! I'm having trouble commenting, so I'm hoping this goes through.

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  42. There's an award for you over at mine. Think you probably have it already, though!

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  43. So so funny, there is an award for you at mine x

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  44. I have just cried with laughter reading your blog to Jon. All I can say is pull ups on any journey more than a few minutes long. You poor thing!
    Love lily

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  45. I wouldn't have been able to handle it as well as you. Well done!! All that wee wee stops and poop in the car, it's always the aroma that gets to me. When it's all over, it's really funny but at that moment in time, i guess all we can say is, "Wny now and why me?"

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  46. magnumlady - Yes - it got through - thanks for persevering! x

    Tasha - Thanks you darling - I don't mind repeat awards of course!!

    New Mummy - Thankyou so much. Very lovely of you x

    MOTR - You're so right - should have just put pull ups on. What was I thinking??

    kestrel - Yep - the aroma was (almost) the worst thing - especially with the heat in the car and because we were stuck in traffic on the motorway we couldn't find a bin to put it in!! And yes - 'why me?' did cross my mind at the time!

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  47. Thank goodness those days are over for me, I remember them only too clearly,

    GG

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  48. GG - I know - I don't think I will ever forget these days!! I'm battling through them! x

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  49. Oh my BOb how did I miss this one? That is the funniest thing I've read since Potty's Breast Feeding post. Hee hee hee. And yes, small child = huge poo. Has she asked you to photograph any yet? MIss M once asked me to take a picture of a turtle shaped one to show her dad.

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  50. Hee hee Jo - yes I didn't like to say - please come over and read my post I think you might quite like it! Glad you finally found your way over without any prompting!! Yes, truly ridiculous the size of a small child's poo - it never ceases to amaze me. And yes again - I have lovely smiling photos of both Renée and Edie two years apart standing next to their potties with huge smiles on their faces pointing at their first ever poo inside a potty - maybe I should frame them. What do you think?!!

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  51. I've just read this for the first time... What is it with you and poo incidents?! Brilliant - and the best thing? I could see it coming! I'm screaming at my laptop "NOOOO!! He's going to break!!!!!".

    Love it.

    P.S. Note to self - do not eat snacks while reading MT's blog.. You'd have thought I'd have learnt by now.x

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  52. Just read this from the Car Sick carnival - what IS it with you and poo?!!!!! Utterly hilarious!!!!!!!!!

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  53. Oh this is going to stay with me! brilliant stuff, thanks for sharing! :) reminds me of those awful 'portapotty' things and a friend of mine who insisted they should be used at every opportunity - including in a ladies' clothes shop. x

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  54. Josie - You always pre-empt my posts - remember the fart one? Thanks honey. And yes, I'm not sure what it is about me and poo, but I'm hoping to grow out of it.

    Hot Cross - Yes, yes, I know - although actually i don't. I have no idea what it is with me and poo. I'm just surrounded by the stuff. And if you can't beat it, join it I suppose!

    Linda - Oh yes - I know the ones. I always coveted them although never quite got round to getting one! And as for using it in a ladies clothes shop - well, when you gotta go, you gotta go! I was at the supermarket the other day (on my own - it was bliss) when I heard a little girl say to her Daddy - 'I need a wee wee'. As well as the little girl, he also had a baby with him and a very full trolley. The look of panic on his face was fabulous - I bet he wished he had had a porta potty!

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