Thursday, 2 July 2009

Poo Stories RIP

Guess what?

Edie did a poo on the potty yesterday AND one on the big girl's loo at nursery today. She even got a sticker that said so.

But you know what that means don't you? Let me just wipe a tear from my eye as I say it...

There will be no more poo stories ever. I know. I know. I'm almost as distraught about it as you.

But before I pack away the nappies and break out the champagne, I thought it was only right, in light of Edie's, ahem, performances, that I mark the occasion with a final farewell.

I hereby give you the last ever poo story from Maternal Tales.

Last weekend marked my Aunt's 60th Birthday and we were invited along, en famille, to join in with the celebrations, with husband making such a surprise appearance that I think half of those assembled didn't know who he was.

But that aside, let me paint the picture for you. A smart garden party...barbeque...champagne and strawberries. I mean, I'd even considered wearing my new Pucci floor-length dress (ok, so it wasn't really Pucci, but it sure looked like it when I'd bid £5 at the frock exchange the week before). What I did eventually opt for was not important, other than I chose to wear it with flip flops. Now that is important. But as usual, I am digressing. Back to the point. What was it? Oh yes.

Poo.

So, they have a dog, which, it has to be said, had been shipped off to a friend's house for the day, lest it get far too friendly with small children and their even smaller digits. But nonetheless, there is a dog in residence. This is important too.

Anyway, as I'm happily walking around the garden, admiring the roses, enjoying the sunshine, eyeing up the soon-to-be ready food, chatting with family and friends and delighted that my two small children are pre-occupied with other small cousins, I suddenly feel a squelch underfoot. Now as much as I may lead you all to think other things with my often ridiculous behaviour, I am not a stupid woman. I knew it could only mean one thing.

Dog poo.

Dog poo which had managed to squish itself up and over my flip flops, spreading, as it did, right in between my toes. I was mortified. Obviously, I picked up the offending shoe and sniffed it, as is the normal habit, just to make sure it wasn't a mutant mud pie.

It wasn't.

Not one to make a fuss, I ran accross the garden, flip flop in hand, screaming.

"Uncle David - I've just trodden in the most enormous turd that your ruddy mutt has left behind". (I didn't actually use the words 'ruddy mutt', but I can tell you that's what I was thinking).

A rather red-faced Uncle David quickly got to work removing said turd and was even gallant enough to offer to wash my shoe. Of course, I wouldn't have accepted his offer had it not been for the fact that it was his ruddy mutt's turd.

And that, I thought, was that.

Except it wasn't.

"That's strange", said my Aunt. "I could have sworn I'd cleared up all the poos. And the dog has been at a friend's house for a couple of days now."

Closely followed by my own Mother's interjection...

"It didn't look like a dog poo darling."

I was incredulous.

"What do you mean it didn't look like a dog poo? Well if it wasn't a dog poo, then who's poo..."

The true horror of the situation suddenly dawned on me.

"The dog's been gone for two days you say Auntie?" (Judging by the squelch factor alone that was not a two-day old turd. No, it was most certainly very fresh. Very fresh indeed).

I looked over at Edie.

She looked at me.

And I knew.

I just knew.

57 comments:

  1. Can't you start making some poo stories up? This one is priceless!

    CJ xx

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  2. I think we should hold a minutes silence. It's the end of an era!

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  3. there will be more, poo stories never end...

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  4. You do realise it hurts when I laugh? Ow, ow, ow!

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  5. I know better than to try to sneak off for a quick read over here-- now everyone's heard me laughing and they know where I am!

    I'm with notSupermum and I think we should have a moment of silence...

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  6. LOL Best poo story EVER!! Ha HA

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  7. CJ - Ooh I am tempted - but I just don't think it would be the same...and anyway, it wouldn't be fair on Edie, seeing as she's a big girl now!!! But don't worry - I'm sure they'll be other funny stories ahead!

    notSupermum - Aaah - now that is very lovely!! Almost too lovely that I think I might even cry!

    Kat - Hi and welcome! Yes, I probably shouldn't have tempted fate... I really have had my fair share of poo stories though. It's only fair that they're laid to rest (at least for a while)!!

    Tasha - Oh gosh sorry honey - hope I haven't done you and Eleanor any harm! Glad you liked it though... x

    Jen - Thanks honey - wasn't quite so fab at the time though!

    ibhh - Oops - sorry about that!!! I've well and truly blown your cover. Bless you for the moment of silence too - yes I may even do that now the children are in bed!!

    MM - Hee hee - thanks! Still can't get into your blog btw - am most annoyed. Not quite sure what the problem is :-((

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  8. ewwww!!!
    Well done to Edie....not for the crap on the floor but for being potty trained.

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  9. in case anyone is desperate for poo stories, there may be one over at mine. Not as funny though, sorry. I'm German you see, don't have much of a sense of humor. I didn't find this post funny either.
    Ah go on, give us more poo stories!

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  10. Gotta love a good poo story. I just splurted a gulp of a white wine all over my computer in a failed attempt to stop an enormous squeal of laughter. Please Edie. Don't potty train yet! We the followers of Maternal Tales are not yet ready for no more poo stories!

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  11. OMG! I so love that you are poo story obsessed!! Even more than me. Please don't stop... bring on more poo!! (Have I gone too far?) Are you sure we're not related?
    I have been working on a poo post for a while now and when I dump (!) it on the unsuspecting (B)log world I shall dedicate it to you! x x

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  12. OH NOooooo you can't do that!! I am living and blogging for the next poo story :) Another priceless one that you can recycle :)
    PHMx

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  13. magnumlady - Thank you! I have to say - I never thought it would happen. It has taken rather a lot of wipes and even more patience!

    cartside - Just read your post - I feel for you - really I do! Edie was a total nightmare at the beginning - and she loved putting the potty on her head too! But it will happen all in good time!

    BiB - Oh dear - I'm sorry about your computer!! But glad it made you laugh obviously. I know - it's almost sad that she's doing so well - I'll have no more stories to tell...part of me thinks I might even miss it!

    That Girl - I know it's awful isn't it?? I really am obsessed - what am I going to do with my life once this is all over?? Maybe I should put her back into nappies again. Hee hee...I don't mean that really. I'm proud of my little pudding. Ooh can not wait for your poo story - please post it soon - I need to fuel my addiction!! x

    PHM - Thanks darling!!! Yep, might just have to recycle that one in a few months...Sad though isn't it?! I might find myself missing all this - but hey - I've got your stories to look forward to instead. Hee hee. Can't wait! xx

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  14. All I can say is, Nice!

    Dare I ask what she wiped her bottom on?!

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  15. Brilliant. I think this may be my favourite ever. Obviously a hard call (the raisin poos; the in-car poo...so many top poo tales to choose from) but this really does take the biscuit.

    Edie may now be well and truly potty-trained - and have the sticker to prove it - but her legendary adventures getting there live on in Blogland!

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  16. Ahahahahaha!!! On your shoe. Mind you, a good poo story features more than just a shoe I have to say. I'm not mourning with you on this one because I suspect there are a few more poo stories still in the chute, as it were.

    Judging by the comments, I think we should have a poo story blog carnival and get all the Mums to submit their best poo story. Actually I might pay money to read some good poo stories at the end of a bad day, particularly if they are someone elses!

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  17. Very very funny! You're a great story teller and writer. Must be so nice to be rid of the nappies now though, despite the end of the poo stories.

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  18. Surprised - Nice indeed!! Erm...she didn't wipe her bottom - when I went to check that it really had been her there were tell tale signs left behind and I had to cart her off to the loo...shame faced!!

    Mamma Po - I know - she'll be the one shame faced when she's a teenager and she does a Google search for herself and all she can fine are poo stories!! Thanks hun - yes can't quite work out which one is my favourite!!

    Sparx - Oooh yes - good idea - just when you thought there were no more poo stories...out comes the poo carnival!!! Might just have to host it myself - give me a couple of months of cold turkey and I'll see what I can do. And yes, I think you're probably right - there might be a few more stories left in the chute!! We'll just have to wait and see now won't we?

    Lady Mama - Thank you my dear!! I have to say I never thought I'd see the day when we could say goodbye to nappies. Still need them at nights though...but that's not quite the same!

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  19. This has to be one of the best - puts all my poo stories to shame! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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  20. Made me laugh out loud...great story, thanks for sharing

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  21. Classic. Just one thing though... speaking from experience, best not to assume it's completely all over for a few weeks yet...

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  22. Snort ... ! Brilliant - I shudder when I think we have this coming

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  23. what a great story to end the catologue of poo tales!

    my mum changed 20month olds nappy and it was a bit hard, it rolled out of the nappy as she folded it up and my dad stood in it with his bare feet lol! xx

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  24. I was going to say hallelujah no more poo stories but after this one, I have to say, even I will miss them !!!

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  25. No more poo stories? Don't speak too soon!

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  26. Oh that make me roar with laughter. I out-laughed my husband who is watching 8 out of 10 cats!
    I've got all of this to come! x

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  27. Catharine - you are so very welcome my dear! Every poo story has its place... x

    Lorraine - So glad you liked it. Hope you didn't disturb too many people with your laughter!

    PM - I know. I know. Thing is, she's been 'dry' for a while now, but we were having such problems with the poos that the moment she decided to perform I kind of thought that was it. I know I shouldn't get too excited - but really, I couldn't help it! You should have seen me dancing around and cheering!

    MAM - It wasn't as bad with the first (I swear) - Oh apart fromt he poo eating incident of course! Some get it easier than others...and as for me, well I just seem to attract ridiculous situations. I'm sure you'll get off lightly! x

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  28. Amy - Oh dear!! Your poor Dad. Can't say it's much fun standing in a child's poo. Hope he's not too scarred!!

    Selina - I know - I'm kind of thinkign the same thing - yay with the no more poo issue, but boo hoo to no more funny stories!! Although, I'm sure there'll be more...even if I think it's all over!!

    WM - I know - I got carried away. I think I was just so excited that I wanted to celebrate with everyone. You an't really say it's all over until they're at least...hmm...8...can you?? Am not holding my breath!

    Sandy - Hee hee. Love it. Am so pleased I helped you out-laugh your hubby. Great news. And yes, you do have all this to come. And I'm not a bit jealous!!

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  29. Even with all his success, I suspect that you may not be quite done with the poo stories. LOL!

    Thanks for running across my blog, but more importantly, for leaving a comment! :0)

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  30. you'll need therapy if you give up the poo stories :-).... or maybe you'll need therapy if you don't!

    too funny...
    Ribbon x

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  31. Don't worry about a poo story-less future. I think I'll be able to keep the blogosphere hopping with poo stories for quite some time. :)

    Congratulations to Edie! What a milestone!

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  32. LOL!!! Poo parting is such sweet sorrow! I'd still be washing my foot (lol).

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  33. Supercool - Yes I'm sure you're right - I just got too excited. Am sure I have now tempted fate. Time will tell! Glad I came across your blog too...and I'm glad I'm not the only one having potty issues!

    Ribbon - Hee hee. I know. But I don't think any amount of therapy will be able to cure me!! Cold Turkey - it's the only way!

    Rita - Phew - I was considering putting Edie back into nappies just so I had some stories to tell! I'm so grateful that I won't have to now...I'll just come and pay you a visit instead!

    MOMSWEB - Hee hee. Yes - I did give it a good old scrub...and maybe I have spoken too soon. We shall see! x

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  34. Oh dear. What a grand finale! Farewell, dear old friend.
    I tagged you over at mine. xx MM

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  35. Only just got round to commenting...beats mine hands down! Laughed so much at this one...it could only happen to Maternal Tales, the poo story queen ;) xx

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  36. that's fanastic :D

    not for you, clearly, but a classic poo story for sure!
    and I love that there are such things as stickers for poo achievments.
    so much I have to look forward to :P

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  37. You're right - it's time to conclude your term as the Poo-eat Laureate.

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  38. Met Mum - Farewell and good riddance to the poo!!! Yay....And thanks for the tag girlie xx

    clareybabble - Thank you darling - yes I'm not quite sure why all these things happen to me... I'd quite like to be remembered for something else, but hey, as long as I'm remembered, then Poo Story Queen will have to do!!

    Miss leslieanne - yes indeed - stickers for poo achievements - sometimes it's the only way to get them to perform - something to look forward to hey?!

    Freddo - Aah - Poo-eat Laureate - yes I think I prefer that to the Poo Story Queen...although don't tell me you have enough of the poo stories?? It can't be true! x

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  39. Excellent! Im sure that wont be your last poo story, whether you choose to share them will be another matter! I have a great one from charlie age 9 at Jons grandparents ruby anniversary will tell you one day.
    How are you for a july meet up? Hope to see you soon.
    love Lily xx

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  40. Wow, everyone really loves talking about poo don't they? Mind you, it does make for a very funny story!

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  41. Poo never runs out, and I don't think poo stories do either ...I'm sure Edie has many more up her sleeve, ahem!

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  42. I love a good poo story, and that was a good one.

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  43. Lily - I know - I did speak too soon. Have had a couple of accidents since...oops!! Ooh yes - can't wait to hear about Charlie's one - I'll remind you when I see you! Will message you re July meet-up xx

    Dancinfairy - I know - we're all poo obsessed. I need therapy I think...

    dd - ahem...yes - I think you're right...although I can't blog about them now - I've totally shot myself in the foot now!

    Mwa - Hello and welcome! Thanks ;-)) x

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  44. Your turd tales will be missed. But congrats on Edie's potty success.

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  45. I think there will be poop stories in my house all the way to adulthood.

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  46. SAHM-I-AM - I know - I think i may even miss them myself. What else am I going to write about now??

    2Brits - Hello and welcome! Hee hee - yes. It'll be the dogs of course...

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  47. Iota - Hee hee - yes indeed. Aaarrrgh!!!! Idiot me...

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  48. That trumps any poo story I've ever heard, experienced or read.

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  49. dawn - Ooh I'm so pleased!!! Although - have you read my other poo stories??? There's a couple in there that trump this one I think!!

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  50. All I can say is OMG! Oh and maybe YECH!

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  51. DJ - Yep, definitely those two words sprang to mind...

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  52. Horribly familiar story!!! Our little girl M potty trained in about a day, but our friend J wasn't so lucky and hers had a few "secret poos" issues. Long story short, M runs into the house (I repeat, into the house) and says "mummy there's some yucky baby food on my foot". Oh how I wish it had been baby food.

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  53. MumVersusKids - Hi and thanks for stopping by. Oh I hope she didn't try to lick it off?? Did she...?? Poor lamb. and your floor??? Was it hideously covered? Classic.

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  54. Oh my God, I can hardly type for crying! Great story!

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  55. Tamsin - Hee hee - thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.

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