Thursday 18 June 2009

I have poo on the brain...or is that the tongue...?

For some reason Edie has decided not to have a nap this afternoon, which kind of messes up my schedule a bit seeing as I had put aside her nap time to write a post. Hmmmm. But I have a good idea instead. In the spirit of recycling, I have decided to recycle an old post. Call me a cheat...it was written a while ago - and I think you need to read it...really I do...it's for your own good...

So, just sit back and relax...A post from back in March...Happy reading!

The time has almost come. I'm thinking of potty training Edie. Although if the little 'accident' on the stairs yesterday is an example of what's to come, then I may delay it even further (despite scrubbing for a good half hour, the stains are still pretty evident). Hmmm. Funnily enough it brings to mind an incident which happened a couple of years ago during Renée's 'potty training period'. A friend had come round for a coffee with her two children. Both our youngest were babies so they slept whilst the two eldest played in Renée's bedroom. I was breast feeding at the time (and possibly on a diet too if my memory serves me well)...so let's just say I was pretty hungry and the chocolate biscuits my friend brought round were slightly too tempting to refuse.

So that's the scene. Two Mummies chit-chatting on the sofa...two babies asleep...two toddlers playing happily in another room. What could possibly go wrong? Well, as it happens, quite a lot.

No sooner had the two toddlers spied the packet of chocolate biscuits, they were upon us, demanding that they too be given a share of the goodies. Keen to carry on chatting with my friend, I dismissed the two girls with a hastily given supply of biscuits and the promise of more if they played quietly together for at least ten minutes. Chit chat chit chat chit chat. All was going according to plan until Renée walked into the sitting room clutching the potty...'Mummy, Roxy done caca' (that's French for poo poo just in case you were wondering). 'Right - thanks darling. Lovely.' I took the potty and handed it to the other Mother (it was her child's poo after all). I like to think I'm a great hostess but I only deal with other children's poo if it's a dire emergency. This, as it happens, was not.

So that was that. Potty emptied. Babies still sleeping. Toddlers demanding more biscuits (and getting them). Mummies still chatting. It was a great morning. Great, that was, until the moment of departure came. Now for two toddlers to play happily together, a certain amount of mess has to be made. That's inevitable. But that doesn't send shockwaves through me in any way. A ten-minute tidy-up and no one need ever know that the bedroom was a disaster zone. But this time it was, how shall I put it, different. It wasn't the scale of the mess which surprised me, or the extent to which two little children had been able to run riot. No, it was this simple fact. Chocolate biscuits do not mix well with toys or bedding or carpets, or rugs, or white walls. Somehow, whilst I was happily chit-chatting away in the other room, I had managed to completely ignore the fact that almost a whole packet of crumbly biscuits with melting potential had been taken away by two two-year-olds. I mean what was I thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking that just a little bit of peace and quiet is worth a ten-minute tidy up at the end of the day. But on this occasion I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

After ten minutes of crawling around on my hands and knees trying to tidy up the toys which hadn't been smeared in chocolate or crumbs, I made it to the potty corner. I don't know what had happened, but it looked as though either one or both of the children had been eating whilst sitting on the potty - like a man reading the Sunday papers on his 'throne' - and the whole surrounding area was covered with chocolate biscuit crumbs...or so I thought. And before you pass judgement - please remember - I was on a diet (and I just hate wasting food). So what did I do? I started eating the chocolate biscuits crumbs of course. Aside from the covering of tiny particles which I later had to vacuum up, there were a few big pieces of biscuit lying around. So piece by piece I put them in my mouth, pleased with myself for not only tidying up quickly, but doing it in a very efficient manner. But hold on, that doesn't taste like chocolate. Does it? No, it can't be. Can it? Just one more chew to make sure. Oh no. It really is what I think it is. It's POO. Aaaaaarrrrrggghhhh. And I'm eating it. Of course, I rushed straight to the bathroom where I spat my mouthful of biscuit and poo into the sink and quickly filled my mouth with mouthwash and water and mouthwash and water. Over and over again. But I'm telling you this - however many times I washed my mouth out and scrubbed and brushed my teeth, I still couldn't rid myself of the taste of poo. I could smell it. I could feel it. I knew it was there invading my every sense.

When I went to bed that evening, a good ten hours after the 'incident' I could still taste it somewhere deep in the back of my throat. And as I lay there thinking about it (how could I even try to think about anything else) it dawned on me why it was so horrific. It wasn't that I had eaten poo, as much as that in itself was hideous. But it was that it wasn't even my own child's poo. It was Roxy's poo. And she wasn't my own. Poo is bad enough when it comes from the ones you adore, but when it's someone else's child's poo, then that really does take the biscuit. And as for potty training Edie, well maybe I can leave it just a little bit longer...

35 comments:

  1. I have a whole tub of chocolate covered raisens in my kitchen cupboard, my son has taken to doing little pebbles in his nappy, I wonder if....no, no I couldn't, could I? swap a few to trick my husband :-)

    Great story, utterly disgusting and eating biscuits off the floor is now totally off my list of "100 things to do before I die"

    Hats off to you for maintaining some sort of balanced view - I think an episode like that would not only scar me for life but also push me over the edge to give up chocolate for good. Imagine that!

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  2. This is the most disturbing but funny post ever!!!!! Love it! Thanks for the tag - i think???

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  3. Eeeek! What it is with you and poo?

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  4. I laughed at this post first time round, and still find it funny today....

    Thanks!

    Lydia

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  5. Yep! definitely my favourite one :)

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  6. I'm laughing but as I type there is a poo missing in action - he definitely did one but it wasn't in the potty... or anywhere else...

    I'm not eating any chocolate for a while just in case...

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  7. and for some reason I am coming up as Emily instead of Brit in Bosnia/Fraught Mummy - just so you know who I am!

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  8. I am so glad you recycled this, as quite a new poster I missed it first time round. Classic. Absolute classic. Note to self. NEVER eat chocolate buscuits from the floor when I am potty training!!!

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  9. Noooooooooooooo. You are a poo chewer. Hee hee. And I totally get what you mean about your own child's poo being nicer than someone else's child's poo. Shiver.

    I'm mostly out of the poo stage now but couple of years ago it seems like it was all I wrote about. I never ever ate any though...I don't think.

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  10. Anal fixation anybody? Hehe.

    PS: Now I know how you shed the pregnancy weight, hehe.

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  11. Oh my god. It is somehow worse that it wasn't your child's poo. So funny! We had a poo in the bath incident today, grrr, as if I hadn't had a crappy enough day....

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  12. Ah yes, the infamous poo saga. How could one ever forget it? This definitely deserves a second outing (excellent recycling effort!). In fact, I think it deserves publishing!

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  13. No. Way. You didn't! I would have lost my lunch, breakfast and last night's dinner if it had happened to me. Made me laugh but ... yikes!

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  14. I just woke my husband I was laughing so much :))) oh bless you, that's just horrid x I learnt to listen about hiding poos when Lily told me she'd done one as a toddler. Like with you it wasn't in the potty so I ignored it. About 10 minutes later walked in hallway to find poo art all over the walls, I thoughtshe was quite!

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  15. Argh... thats the poo story to end all poo stories!! And enough to put me off choccie biccies forever amen!

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  16. Gemma - Hee hee - no you couldn't possibly... could you??? Well, at least you can keep it at the back of your mind in case he does anything horrible in the future!!! Just don't tell him I gave you the idea! And strangely enough - even after that episode - I still love chocolate biscuits - so it seems nothing will put me off those...

    Wife of Bold - I know you saw the original - I just couldn't resist recycling it - yes it is disturbing...not sure if more for me or for whoever reads about it!! Yeah not sure if the tag is good or not...sorry!!

    Tasha - I know - I'll start to get a bad reputation...! But I'm almost over the poo stories since Edie's using the potty pretty well now, so I'm trying to make the most of the poo stories while I can...!

    Lydia - Aaah - thanks for reading it twice!! I thought it deserved a second outing!

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  17. PHM - Yep - saw your link on your awards post - thanks for that!! Glad you liked it... I know one day I'll laugh about it too! x

    Emily/BiB - I guessed it was you before I saw the second comment - does that to me too sometimes! Oops...you'd better locate that poo quick...but then again, it might be a good story to tell if it turns up somewhere unexpected!!

    Mrs OMG - so glad you liked it!! Yes, I posted it pretty early on in my 'blogging career' so thought it deserved a second outing...am nearly through with poo stories at the moment (or at least that's what I think) so I'm trying to milk them for all they're worth x

    Jo - Hee hee - yes it totally made me shiver too - and it still does when I think about it now! Although I try not to... But yes - your own child's poo is pretty vile, but someone else's child's poo is even worse - not quite sure why...bit like farts, but I won't go into that here! Bet you're sad you've left all that behind??? x

    Met Mum - I know - it's ridiculous. I really must stop or else I'll get myself a bad reputation....and yes - eating poo is enough to put you off food for life...but please don't follow my example!! x

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  18. allgrownup - yuck - poo in the bath is horrible - it all breaks up and floats around and mixes with the bath toys before you notice (and I speak from experience)!! Hope you're not too traumatised!! And yes it was worse that it was someone else's child's poo (not quite sure why)...

    Mamma Po - Thanks lovely lady - yep, just doing my bit for recycling week!! No need to thank me x

    SAHM-I-AM - I did. Really. Yes. Yuck. It was hideous. Not quite sure how I managed to be so stupid...but I WILL NEVER make that same mistake again...

    Liz - Hee hee for waking your husband - I like it! But yuck for poo art - had something similar here too - but only realised a few days later - so I dread to think what the state their hands were in without me noticing! Hmmmmm....

    Thatgirl - Strangely enough it hasn't put me off chocolate biscuits...I'm such an idiot really!! Should have learnt my lesson - but honestly even though I say I will never do it again ever, it wouldn't surprise me if it did happen again. I'm that silly!!

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  19. Oh NO!!! This post had me rolling with laughter! It sounds like something I would do ... because I eat stuff off the floor ALL. THE. TIME. :)

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  20. I would have rinse my mouth with soap too. Arghhh, talk about it being the same colour - Choc bikkies and the other stuff. Surprisingly you were not turned off choc biscuits forever. You must love chocolate!! After reading this blog, I am not going to pick anything from the floor and eat it.

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  21. that's it. poo and chocolate are now fused in my brain. on the upside, you may have just taken several inches off my hips.

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  22. Euwwwwwwwwwwwwww! That was an exceptionally vivid post - the lingering taste, the inability to think of anything else ....you really have put me off chocolate peanuts, MT, and I thank you - I think!!

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  23. Yes it is my garden! - Thanks for the very lovely comment. I suppose I should tell you that as a student nurse I was once told never to accept the offer of a Malteser from a patient, after.... well you can just guess. Myth or not, I never have, just in case!

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  24. Rita - I know - the awful thing is - despite the hideous story I have since eaten food off the floor...now if that doesn't make me learn, then nothing will!

    kestrel - I know - it was such an easy mistake to make...I really should have been put off chocolate for life...but no!

    Grit - Hee hee - yes I think it did wonders for my hips!! I don't think I ate for days. Sadly, it didn't quite put me off chocolate though!

    dd - There you go...after reading your post I just wanted to share this one with you...I never really liked chocolate peanuts anyway!

    Lydia - I think you're are completely right to have followed that advise - even if the maltesers were in fact maltesers and nothing else, you just can't be sure where their hands have been (sorry - but I have spent a bit of time with old people in hospitals too and I have a few poo stories where they're concerned). What is it with me and poo?

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  25. Ewwwwwwww!!! I once nearly (nearly!) sucked my daughter's chocolatey finger....but realised it was poo just in time!

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  26. Brilliant post! Not sure what else to say, apart from, what did it taste like then, does it resemble anything, like peanut butter perhaps or something?

    CJ xx

    p.s. don't answer that, I was only joking!

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  27. notSupermum - It's so easy to do!!! But I am pleased for you that you didn't because it tastes like shit...

    CJ - Hee hee - see above reply for what it tastes like...I hate to say that word twice!! But it was seriously disgusting - really strong like goats' cheese - (not like goats' cheese but strong in flavour like that). Yuck. Just yuck...

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  28. I didn't think you could top the last one, but my stomach hurts and there's going to be a permanent hand indent on my face where I had my hand over my mouth-- I was laughing too hard and my poo maker has only JUST gone to bed finally. Omgosh, do you have any more poo stories that I need to read? I'm with the wife of bold "This is the most disturbing but funny post ever!!!!!"

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  29. Well I'm glad you recycled THAT story for me!

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  30. imhh - Gee thanks - I love the permanent indent - glad it made you laugh so much. An yes, I probably do have a few more poo stories for you, but I might start to get a bad reputation, so I might leave them for a while!!!

    lizspin - Yes - I'm sorry you happened to come across just when I was recycling such a hideous story. I hope it hasn't done you any permanent damage!

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  31. Oh please! That is too funny and yet horrible for words. I'm sitting at my desk spitting and dribbling at the very thought of it!!
    Why couldn't you have left it back in March where it belonged?
    I can't eat my hob nobs now and I had been looking forward to them ALL afternoon !!!

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  32. CLASSIC !! You are so right about some other child's poo. I can't bear doing other children's nappies and yet doing my own, up to my eyes in poo wouldnt worry me in the slightest ! Looking forward to following you here :):):)

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  33. Selina - I'm sorry , I'm sorry... I just had to share it with you. Oh please don't let me put you off your hob nobs - I'm now starting to feel a little guilty!

    Ragna - Hi there...loved your post. Yep, the only thing worse than your own child's poo is someone else's child's poo...I remember the first time someone put their child's soiled nappy in our bin - I almost passed out in disgust. My eldest was only about 2 months old and her poos smelled all sweet and yoghurty and this other child was about 9 months old and eating solids. Yuck. Just yuck - and that was just the smell!

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  34. That was SO funny and you lived to tell the tale!
    I would NOT have thought it funny if it had have been ME eating the stuff!
    Thanks for sharing.

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  35. Maggie - Hmm...yes - it wasn't funny at the time, I can tell you that! Funny now of course - especially for everyone else! x

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