Pregnancy weight - it's just so depressing

I had the shock of my life today. My hairdresser is pregnant. Ok, so she did actually tell me she was pregnant about 3 months ago, but I had completely forgotten...so when I walked in today (for my 3 monthly treat - nothing whatsoever to do with the Blogging meet-up on Sunday - you have to believe me) - and I was met with a bump the size of...well something rather large, I was a little taken aback. But only momentarily, of course. I quickly recovered my composure and instead mustered the most amount of excitement possible on a wet and windy midsummer day. But then I saw Kelly's face, and it didn't match my excitement at all...Could it have been that she wasn't happy being pregnant? I was sure she'd viewed it as good news when she'd initially told me...So what was the problem? I decided to enquire further.

"I just feel so fat. I hate it. I feel like a baby elephant. And I know I look like one too. I can't find any clothes to fit and I'm aching all over and I can't walk, I can only waddle and...well...nobody told me it was going to be like this. And the worst thing is - I'm only 5 months gone."

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. I knew exactly how she felt. It is a well-documented fact (or at least it is if you read this blog) that I gained rather a lot of weight during both my pregnancies. I'm not sure exactly how much (5 stone with the first and 3 stone with the second). Come on - do you really think I'd forget that? And I can honestly say I hated being pregnant. I didn't hate the fact that there was a tiny creature growing inside me...or that I was about to help make a miracle happen...I just hated the aches and pains that went with it. And most of all, I hated being so fat.

It's not that I have anything against fat people (some of my best friends are fat)...hee hee...it's just that, well, I wasn't comfortable being fat. It had never happened to me before. I had grown up proud of my humongous portions and fast metabolism...and even during my first pregnancy when I was eating for Britain (and France...and Italy and Spain and the rest of the world come to think of it), I wasn't in the least bit worried. There I was waking up in the night to eat my third king-sized Magnum of the day and I still managed to convince myself it was just the bump...

So when I finally gave birth two whole weeks of scoffing after my due date and realised the true horror of what had been left behind, I was more than a little traumatised. No longer did I possess a flat, toned stomach, or even a round taut one. Nothing of my former body had been left behind. Instead I resembled a character straight out of Channel 4's Body Shock series. 'Ten ton Mum'. That was me. I think she had to be fed out of tubes or something equally as sinister. And I wasn't just fat. I was fat and sweaty. I put it down to the breastfeeding, although it could have been something to do with the oh so natural organic deodorant that had promised not to harm the baby, but couldn't deodorise a fragrant rose.

So there you have it. I was fat and sweaty and full of misery and getting absolutely no sleep and still wearing maternity clothes 4 months after giving birth. BUT, I had the most beautiful little baby and it could have been much, much worse...

So why am I writing this now? Well apart from poor Kelly who is going through the exact same frustrations as I went through on two separate occasions, I am also currently reading a lot about other people's weight struggles, including the now infamous 'Wednesday Weigh-In' in the blogosphere. It's not just me who piled on the pounds during pregnancy....And without sounding patronising I want to say...Don't worry. The weight will go. If you want it to. It's now two and a half years since I gave birth to my second child and I no longer resemble Ten Ton Mum. My stomach isn't quite as toned as it once was (nor my breasts as pert and pretty - but that's another story entirely)...but I did lose the weight. Where it went I have no idea. But I don't care. It's gone...and yours will too.

Oh, and one last thing - if you just so happen to be pregnant - congratulations and enjoy - but try to stay away from that second helping of cheeseburger and chips...if you can.

Loose ends

I'm feeling slightly exhausted this evening (nothing new there), so instead of entertaining you with my endlessly amusing anecdotes on parenting, I'm just going to tie up a few loose ends instead...

1. I finally managed to secure a cot for my friend's cotless baby. I did entertain the idea of a princess canopy over Edie's bed (thanks for all the suggestions), but she snuggles down so happily in her cot that I just couldn't bring myself to oust her from it just yet. If she's still in her cot by the time she goes to school then I may yet revert to the Princess canopy! I'll keep you posted on that one. Anyway, I was so ecstatic at having solved the problem (turns out another friend of mine has a spare cot) that I even offered her £20 for it. After all, I thought, what's £20 when it means you can sleep at night without feelings of guilt caused by thoughts of a poor child sleeping in their pushchair? If you've got no idea what I'm talking about, then I refer you to 'Cot Dilemma'. The thing is, no sooner had I happily delivered the news, when my friend (the one with the baby, not the cot) delivered her own news...just that day they had been given another cot!!!! Crikey, what's the probability of that happening? You wait all day for a bus and then two come along together... Anyway, I'm pleased for my friend...at least both our children will now be able to sleep at night. The only other thing is...I've now promised her a highchair!

2. Despite the nit scare yesterday, I have had a thorough check of 3 scalps in the house (neither Chloe the cat nor Marion the au pair were keen for me to look through theirs) and I'm pleased to say that no crawly creatures or offspring have been detected.

3. Car mended (although I have been hearing various suspicious rattly sounds). Am ignoring them.

4. Dad/Grandpa mended (although he now has terrible tooth ache and blisters on his feet from a new pair of shoes). There's just no telling the oldies.

5. Despite my over indulgence with the pancakes yesterday I still managed to lose some weight!! Of course I hate to boast, but seven pounds in seven days here I come...

Diet tips

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. After a week in Norfolk I've only gone and put on half a stone. I'm so annoyed. Of course, I take no responsibility for this. I totally blame my parents. If it hadn't been for the trifle, the fish and chips, the chinese takeaway, the meal out at the pub, the scones and jam, the chocolate shortbread, the maple pecan cereal, the lemon possets, the meringues, the other various chocolates which came out on an hourly basis, not to mention finishing off all the children's meals, then my clothes would all still fit me. I tried to tell them it wasn't a good idea. I almost said 'No, I can't eat all this food. It's not good for me. I just won't do it.' But when push came to shove, I couldn't quite get the words out. I am so weak when it comes to food.

So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go on a diet. As of tomorrow. Now please don't panic or think I'm ridiculous or vain. Well, actually you can think whatever you want because it's a free world, but you know what I mean. I've been through all this before. I think I may have mentioned somewhere (possibly in Labour Day Part 1) that I put on 5 stone during my first pregnancy. What I didn't mention is that I also put on 3 stone during my second pregnancy. And, despite being told by a number of people that if I were to breastfeed my children, then the weight would 'just drop off', it didn't. In fact, 4 months after giving birth to Renée I hadn't even lost a pound. And it wasn't until I suffered a terrible bout of food poisoning that I lost any weight at all. No, the only way I managed to shift those excess pounds, was not by going on a mad fitness regime (in fact, and I shouldn't really advocate this, I did no exercise at all), but to go on a diet. Plain and simple. Shocking I know, but I can't just say the weight fell off because I was running around non-stop after the children. That would be a lie.

Anyway, in case you're interested (apologies if you're not), I did manage to lose that combined total of 8 stone. And because I'm that sort of person, I'm going to share my little secret with you. It's called the Scarsdale Diet.

THE SCARSDALE MEDICAL 14-DAY DIET

BREAKFAST EVERY DAY: One half grapefruit, One slice of bread, toasted, no spread added Coffee/tea (no sugar, cream or milk, no honey).

MONDAY

Lunch: Assorted cold cuts of meat. Tomatoes - sliced, grillled, or stewed. Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.
Dinner: Fish or shellfish, any kind, combination salad, any greens and vegetables as you wish, One slice bread - toasted, grapefruit. Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.

TUESDAY

Lunch: Fruit salad, any combination of fruits. Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.
Dinner: Plenty of grilled, lean hamburgers, tomatoes, lettuce, celery, olives, cucumbers, brussel sprouts, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.

WEDNESDAY

Lunch: Tuna fish or salmon salad (oil drained off) with lemon and vinegar dressing, grapefruit, or melon, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.
Dinner: Sliced roast lamb, all visible fat removed, salad of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.

THURSDAY

Lunch: Two eggs, any style (no fat used in cooking), low-fat cottage cheese, courgettes, or string beans, or sliced/stewed tomatoes, one slice of bread, toasted, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.
Dinner: Roast, grilled or barbequed chicken (skin and visible fat removed before eating), plenty of spinach, green peppers, string beans, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.

FRIDAY

Lunch: Assorted cheese slices, spinach, one slice of bread, toasted, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.
Dinner: Fish or shellfish, combination salad (any fresh vegetables desired, raw or cooked), one slice of bread, toasted, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.

SATURDAY

Lunch: Fruit salad, any combination of fruits, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.
Dinner: Roast turkey or chicken, salad of tomatoes and lettuce, grapefruit, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.

SUNDAY

Lunch: Cold or hot turkey or chicken, tomatoes, carrots, cooked cabbage, broccoli or cauliflower, grapefruit, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.
Dinner: Plenty of grilled steak, (all visible fat removed before eating), salad of lettuce, cucumbers, celery, tomatoes (sliced or cooked), brussel sprouts, Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water.

SECOND WEEK OF SCARSDALE MEDICAL DIET - Repeat all menus of the first week.

So that's the plan. I'm just going to do it for a week...and not because I'm hideously vain and obsessed with my weight, (contrary to what you may think having just read this post), but because I just want to fit back into my clothes again. (And my parents in law are turning up in a week and I know I won't be able to resist all these cheese and wine and saucisson they're going to bring over from France).

So give me a week and I'll report back to you next Sunday....and in the meantime, spare a thought for me in the mornings when I'll be eating my half a grapefruit and dry toast.