Discipline? No Thanks. I'd rather have a chocolate biscuit

So I'm sitting here with a cup of tea. Oh ok, and a chocolate biscuit. You know me too well. I need it ok? I'm feeling a bit teary. I could blame it on Dulwich Divorcee's lions which has made me blubber all over the keyboard already this morning, but in reality it has nothing to do with that. No, the real truth of the matter is that I had to discipline Renée this morning and it made her cry and that in turn made me cry too. Only not in front of her, of course. I saved that until I got home. It's just not easy this parent malarkey. You want what's best for your children of course. You want them to be happy, but you also want them to be well-behaved and full of sparkling wit and able to go to bed without 8 stories a night and eat all their vegetables and never complain or whine or ask 'Are we there Yet Mummy?' for the zillionth time and never poo their pants in the middle of a crowd of people or throw an almighty wobbler at a supermarket checkout for that matter. Ok, that might just be a little too much to ask. Happy and not a complete source of embarrassment will have to do (for now). We'll work on the others later.

But how is this best achieved? Because some days I'm at a complete loss as to how to be a (good) parent. I once heard someone mention the word 'discipline'...although I wasn't quite sure what they were talking about so I had to go home and Google it. No, but seriously, I may even need some help here. With one child discipline was easy. A child did something wrong, they were told off, made aware of why it was wrong and the world carried on. If they repeated it, there was a trip to the naughty step, treats were withheld and they learnt never to do that naughty something again. Easy. Result - a well-behaved, thoughtful, wonderful child. And of course, not forgetting a happy, proud and not completely insane Mother. BUT, child number two enters the fray and it's an altogether different story.

This is what I'm talking about. One child does something naughty, child is told off and made aware of why it is naughty. Same child is naughty again. Child is sent to the naughty step. Meanwhile, other child also does something naughty, desperate for a bit of the action. Child is told off, during which time, original naughty child has wondered away from naughty step and is helping themselves to sweeties from the cupboard. Yes, I'm not quite sure why sweeties are within child's range, but they just are. (Note to self - move sweeties). So, child is taken away from sweeties and put back on naughty step. Second child is naughty again. Both children on naughty step. Mother is beginning to fray around the edges at this point, especially when both children start pulling each other's hair. Mother decides naughty step for two is not such a good idea and instead settles on a kind and thoughtful talking to. Children listen and promise not to be naughty again. Mother is happy that it has gone so well and decides to make herself a cup of tea in celebration. Just as the kettle has reached boiling point, children are naughty again. Strangely enough Mother has also reached boling point and decides that threats have to be instigated. 'If you're naughty one more time, then we won't go to Miss K's house this afternoon'. Children think about it and are good. For 5 minutes. Then naughty again. But can Mother follow-through with threat? Of course she can't. Because a visit to Miss K's house is also a break for Mother and following-through would mean a whole day inside with the two terrorists instead of just half of one. So children continue to be naughty whilst Mother silently sobs in the corner, determined to see through a threat at some point in the near future.

So that's my problem. Now I have two children, my follow-through leaves rather a lot to be desired. And, unluckily for me, my children know this too.

So quickly back to this morning, which is the real reason for this post. I was on my way to drop Edie at nursery before delivering Renée to school. This happens twice a week and on these days we leave the house so early that we don't have time for breakfast. Instead, Edie eats at nursery and Renée has a croissant on the way to school. It's a huge treat for her as she just loves them. But, this morning, she was being, how can I put this nicely? I can't. She was being a complete pain in the a*$e. She was dawdling, whining, trying to pull my trousers down (?), stopping to inspect dog poo on the pavement (!), and refusing to speak to someone we bumped into who she knows well. To top it all off I was trying to get Edie in to nursery as quickly as possible as she's wearing knickers (as opposed to nappies or pull-ups) for the first time today and I was rather anxious that there wouldn't be an accident before we'd even got inside. So what did I do? Well, I threatened Renée with no croissant if she continued in the same manner. It had no affect, of course and she continued to test my patience. So this was my moment to follow-through.

And I did. And there was no croissant. And Renée was devastated. And she cried. And she said sorry. And she promised to be good. And she cried all the way to school and was still crying when we arrived. And even after a cuddle and an explanation of why I had done it (and a promise of a treat after school - I am who I am, after all), she was still crying. It was truly horrible. In the end I had to leave her at school, red faced and teary. And now I'm home and I feel wretched. I should be pleased of course that I followed-through. But I'm not. I'm sad that she was so sad. So there must be another way. I'm even thinking about picking her up from school with a croissant. Is that wrong? Will it undo all my hard work? Help me out here please.

A naughty child and feelings of guilt

Ok, so I have a problem. I have a naughty child. Of course she's totally gorgeous and wonderful and sometimes her naughtiness actually makes me laugh, but she is nonetheless, naughty. Now I know some parents wouldn't dream of using the word naughty for fear of labelling their child or giving negative association, but I try not to be too pc about it all. For me, naughty just means they don't do what they are told. And if that's the case, then my little Edie is most certainly very very naughty. So much so that it's beginning to drive me crazy. I have no memories of Renée being naughty in the same way and I'm sure I haven't blanked out the memories of her being naughty. I just don't think she was. So how can two children, of the same sex, from the same parents, with exactly the same upbringing, be so different? Is it something to do with being a second child? Are they constantly in the shadow of their older sibling so they are forever seeking attention?

I'll give you an example of Edie's naughtiness. Last night, just before bedtime, Edie pulled Renée's hair. She didn't just pull it a little bit, but she gave it a good old yank. And this was without any provocation at all. Edie just marched up to her and decided to pull her hair. It was as simple as that. Now if it had been the first time she had done it then I would have told her off, made her apologise, explained to her why she shouldn't do it, etc etc. But this wasn't the first time she had done it, or the second, or even the third. I haven't been counting, so who knows how many times she has done it, but it has been quite a few. I have tried the good old 'naughty step' and although it has always worked amazingly well for Renée, Edie just won't take it seriously. She laughs when she's made to sit there, constantly gets off and runs away from it and even politely requests to be sent there as if it's a treat. So by the time she had pulled Renée's hair for, let's say the 20th time, I was starting to think about taking drastic action.

Edie has always been, not only a hair puller, but a biter as well. And in the past, when I've been searching for ways to stop her from biting, I have come accross tales of mothers biting their children back. Apparently it causes the child so much shock (and probably pain as well) that it makes them realise just how horrible it is to be bitten and so they never do it again. Although I couldn't quite bring myself to bite Edie, I thought maybe this was the time to employ similar tactics with the hair-pulling problem. So, against my better judgement, I decided to pull Edie's hair. I have to say, her reaction was quite heart-breaking. She looked at me, her bottom lip started to quiver and she burst into tears. I think she was in total shock that the person who she always turns to for love and comfort was the instigator of her pain. She didn't know what to do. Instead of coming to me with her arms up wanting a kiss and a cuddle, as she normall would have done, she ran to the corner of the room and stayed there sucking her thumb. I found that, not only did I want to turn back the clock and not pull her hair, but I wanted to scoop her up and my arms and comfort her until she stopped crying. The resistance brought tears to my eyes. Literally. But I had to stay strong. I went over to her and said 'Edie, Mummy is really sorry to have hurt you. Pulling hair is wrong. But now you understand that pulling hair hurts. When you pull Renée's hair you hurt her. And this makes Renée sad. Mummy says sorry for pulling your hair. I won't do it again. Please say sorry to Renée for pulling her hair and tell her you won't do it again.' So she went over, apologised to her sister and we all had a big cuddle. I felt vindicated. Maybe you need a little pain to have any sort of gain at all.

Ten minutes later, Edie pulled Renée's hair again. So this is why I am writing this post. I need help. How do I stop Edie from being so naughty? I know she loves her sister and I have never felt any resentment or jealousy from either of them. Edie follows Renée around everywhere and wants to do exactly what her sister is doing, and Renée likes the role of big sister and relishes teaching her all the things she knows. When friends come round to play they sometimes prefer to play together even though they see each other every day. So I really don't think there is sibling rivalry. I am hoping that this is a phase and that she will grow out of it very, very soon, but in the meantime, can somebody please help me out??!!