Tuesday, 22 December 2009

The one where I am never invited round for wine and mince pies ever again

I think I may have foot in mouth disease.

Or some such ridiculous ailment which causes me to regret almost everything that comes out of my mouth the instant it is uttered.

After last week's debacle I thought I may be on the road to recovery.

But no. Apparently not.

Let me explain.

You see I'm not really a Christmassy sort of person. I think I may be in denial about the whole event. Two days away you say? Still plenty of time to buy presents surely...

In fact, when I was 19, instead of spending Christmas with my family I ran away to Thailand for a month and sat on a beach on my own. My brother put a photo of me in my place at the table and laid a party hat on top of it.

It runs deep you see. And I still don't think I've been quite forgiven.

Before I became a mother I had this image that I would tell my children the truth about Father Christmas. Why would I want to lie to them? I mean, how awful would it be for them to love and trust their mother only for them to find out that the man with the white beard and red outfit never even existed and that I'd known all along?

But then when I became a mother it all changed.

Of course it did.

But then everything does, doesn't it?

So now I help them choose what biscuits to leave by the fireplace and share their excitement when they wake up in the morning to find that two out of the three have been eaten, whilst subtley wiping crumbs from the corner of my mouth. And I read them stories about The Night Before Christmas and skip the pages where the little girl doubts that Father Christmas exists. I mean, I wouldn't want to put any funny thoughts into their head, would I?

I love their little faces and the hopes and dreams that fill them.

As every mother does.


Cut to this afternoon where I'm sharing wine and mince pies with a friend.

Her eight-year-old daughter approaches us.

"Are you excited about Christmas?" I ask.

She nods.

"My favourite part was always getting the stocking from Father Christmas", I continued.

"Do you think Father Christmas will still bring me presents even though I'm grown-up?" She asked with a wry smile (or so I thought).

"Of course", I replied. "Father Christmas brought me presents until I was 18, even though I knew he didn't exist.

Her eyes grew wider than I even thought possible.

"You mean he really doesn't exist?"

Oh fuckity fuck............

THE seminal moment in a child's life, ruined by yours truly.

I think I shall go back to hating Christmas again. Or failing that, stick my head under the bed covers and not come out until January 1st.

Now there's a thought...


  1. oh dear oh dear...that's hysterical, how did you get out of that one? It's a bit like my 'x-ray vision' which always worked wonders and is now much depleted since it only works on children up to the age of 5...harumphhh.

  2. Love to know what you said next!

    Maybe he just exists for kids and adults can't see him.

  3. Bet her mum loves you! Hope you managed to finish your wine and mince pie before you were forcibly ejected from the house...

  4. Eeeeek! Not to worry, he IS real afterall....


  5. Haha! Ooohh Noooo....Get back under those bed covers...I bet her Mum's eyes widened in horror even more than the 8 yr olds did. How the hell did you get out of that one?

  6. Whaaaat? Santa isn't real?! :-o
    Yes, do tell what happened next.

  7. Oops! Yes, best keep your head down until it all blows over. Merry Christmas!

  8. hat bit you wrote about loving your children's little faces and the dreams that fill them made me feel all gooey inside, that is exactly how I feel. About my boys! Not yours. Obviously. Such a cringy moment reading about your fuckity fuck moment, I can't imagine actually experiencing it. Arrggh

  9. ....uh...for adults! Yes he doesn't exist for adults ...uh...because he's so busy working for all the children that he doesn't have time to bring grown-ups presents so...uh...we pretend that he doesn't .....uh..exist??!!
    No! It's a definite fuckity fuck moment. TAXI !!!
    Oh dear, oh dear, I think even my powers of deception would have been stretched by that one. You are going to cringe for a long time every time you remember that moment!!
    I still think you're fab though so try not to think about it and have a very, very happy Christmas xx

  10. AAArgh!!! poor you...poor little girl with her dreams crushed....(sorry, only joking!) and the poor mum who had to clear up the mess!!! Have a glass of wine or two and it'll all ago away...!!

  11. Oh Emily. What a total disaster. Don't beat yourself up too much as I am sure that other children had already told her. You just confirmed her fears. No child makes it to 9 without finding out unless they are home schooled in deepest Montana. Having said that, tell my children and I will cry.


  12. Uh oh! That was a Chandler from friends moment followed by a Hugh Grant Fuckity Fuck moment!! I think they kinda know by age 9 anyway! Hope you, hubby and your girls have a wonderful Christmas! Lots of love xx

  13. Oh nooo, that sounds like something I would say. Has she recovered.

  14. Oh no! Don't worry about it - I'm sure her enjoyment of the holiday won't be any less ... and that her mum is probably telling her how crazy you are and that nothing you say should be taken seriously. ;)

  15. Oh dear but how funny.

    He is real though just in many, many guises - one of which is you. I too am He ;-)

  16. Oh nooooooooo, but it made for a great story!

    My Dad let it slip that Mr C wasn't real every christmas from when I was a baby - it never, ever lessened my enjoyment of the whole stocking thing though!

  17. Oopsy! But wait, I can make you feel better: I recently sent an email to my Dad finally coming clean about the fact that I detest his 'child bride'. It's been coming for a long time and I couldn't hold it in any more.

    Sadly, I sent it to their joint email And she opened it. That's me out of the will then....

  18. There is no Santa in continental Europe to begin with. Maybe you should move? :)

  19. Don't feel too bad about it Em. The sooner they find out about Real Life the better - you can tell I've got no kids.

    Anyway - from one person who hates all this Christmas ballyhoo to another - Merry Christmas

  20. OH NO! That's hilarious.
    Your best bet is to fill your mouth with chocolates so you can't talk!
    I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, in spite of, well, you know - shattering your daughter's belief in Santa ;-) xxx

  21. I think she was double-bluffing, and will now be texting her sophisticated friends, saying "Yule nvr gess wot - I pretendd I still B-lev n Fthr Xmas, and this wmn B-leved me!!! LOL!! Ha Ha"

  22. The situation may still have been saved - she may have thought you were joking. Believe in C'mas - it is a great time for family and continue dreaming with the kids for as long as they believe. merry christmas

  23. Oh dear. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas.

  24. What do you mean, Santa doesn't exist? This is a joke post, isn't it?

  25. LOL! Oooops! Lily sussed the whole Santa thing and I made her promise under punishment of Build A Bear Deaths that she wouldn't tell any of her other 6yo friends...but I can see how it could slip out ;)

  26. nixd - Oh I got extremely flustered and tried to back out of it by saying that I was only joking, but I stuttered and was far from convincing. Oh and I also went red, so I'm sure that was even more of a giveaway!

    Sally - You see - that would have been a far better response than my pathetic stutterings. Maybe when I see the little girl next I shall tell her exactly that!! Wish I'd been a bit more quick thinking at the time!

    muummmmeeeeee - Oh I did - I totally swigged the glass following my comment in a futile attempt to back out of it all. Like I said, totally futile! And school starts again tomorrow so I shall find out then whether the mother is still speaking to me!

    Insomniac - Thanks sweetie - yes of course he is - it must have been a moment of forgetfulness on my part - what was I thinking?!

    Brighton Mum - Oh it was hideous - and I don't think I got out of it at all apart from stuttering and going red and pretending that I'd been joking! Like she believed me! What a wally. But seriously, I really thought that 8 and a half was too old to still believe - shows how wrong I am! Will know for next time.

  27. SAHM-I-AM - Hee hee - yes sorry to have broken it to you as well!!! And there I was thinking that 8 and a half was too old! And as for what happened next - well it wasn't pretty! I stumbled and stuttered and went red and pretended I'd been joking. Oh yes, and then I left pretty soon afterwards!

    notSupermum - Thanks sweetie - and yes a very happy Christmas to you too (bit late from me - sorry have been ridiculously busy). How anyone else has managed to blog and have Christmas I will never know!

    DJ Kirkby - Oh don't!! Yes, it was hideous. Why I said it, I'll never know, but hey, at least I won't be making that mistake again - nope. Next time, even if the person I'm talking too has false teeth and grey hair I shall assume that they still believe. Much safer that way I think!

    Selina - you see - I would have been so much better to have said that - yes, why couldn't I think of saying something even a tiny bit believable? Nope, I think I was well and truly rendered speechless by my own idiocy. Instead I stuttered, went red and pretended that I had been joking. Not my finest hour it has to be said. And yes, hope you had a wonderful Christmas too. Thanks so much for all your support x

    diney - Oh you're so right - that poor little girl! How could I have caused such unhappiness? I am such an ogre! Boo hoo. Yes, more wine I think! x

  28. Oh nooooo!!! What did her mum say???? Well i suppose being 8 she was cutting it fine, i think i've got two years of make believe left with Mimi at a push! Hope you had a great xmas and Happy New year hun x

  29. Charlotte - Thanks sweetie - and don't worry - not only will I never tell your children, but I will also never tell anybody else's children ever again (or adults for that matter - seems like you can never be too sure).

    ThatGirl - Oh I'm such an idiot. Really. I think I'm Bridget Jones reincarnated! Hey ho. On to the next fuckity fuck moment I think! Sorry I'm so late in replying - instead of saying Happy Christmas - I'm now saying - hope you had a good New Year! So late. Will pull myself together once school has started (tomorrow) hopefully! xxx

    Ang - At last - a bit of empathy! Thanks sweetie. Not sure if she's recovered yet. School starts tomorrow again so I'm sure I will find out!

    Rita - Ooh yes - you're right - hopefully the Mother will tell her just how crazy I am. Just hoping that she, erm, doesn't really start to believe it!

    Weston - Oh yes, you're so right - another good suggestion for a good response. Unfortunately I was neither quick-witted, nor clever enough to save the day. Instead I blushed, stuttered and pretended I'd been joking. Ahem. Not my finest hour!

  30. Ella - Oh phew - thanks sweetie - that kind of makes me feel a bit better about it. Maybe I didn't totally ruin her Christmas after all! Hilarious of your Dad though! Hee hee. Just like me! At least I'm not the only one, hey?

    English - Oh ho ho. Hilarious. So sorry for your, er, faux pas, but yes, hilarious. Poor you. What was the outcome? I'd love to know. and what did your Dad say? I too, once sent an e-mail to someone and hit reply all instead of reply. My poor heart when I realised what I'd done. Somehow I managed to get out of it, but I think it mu st have been a lucky day! I'd never be so lucky now!

    Met Mum - Hee hee. Good idea. Maybe I'll be forced to move if I make any more ridiculous faux pas!!

    FF - Well yes - I did think at the time (amidst my dying of shame) that she was way too bloody old to still believe. I mean, seriously, how naive are children these days? Ahem! Thanks for the support sweetie and yes, I'm so pleased the festive season is finally over. Now I can get back to real life and not just the make believe one! x

    Sandy - Thanks honey - folowing that moment I stuffed my mouth with chocolates for the whole of Christmas and luckily, I didn't make any more ridiculous comments. And I shall never make another one again. Who am I kidding?!

  31. Iota - Ooh d'you think? Now that would be a turn up wouldn't it? Here's me all worried that I've shattered her poor dreams and there she is laughing at me for being so naive!!! Oh how I wish it was that way round. Nice thought Iota - nice thought indeed!!

    kestrel - Well that's the thing you see - I did try to get out of it by saying that it was only a joke, but I really don't think I was that convincing. Something to do with the red face and look of total panic I think! But thanks so much for the reassurance xx

    magnumlasy - Oh dear indeed!! And yes, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas too. It was very busy here as we were hosting - hence no time to blog, comment back (only a couple of weeks late here) or read other people's blogs. So sorry. Promise will pop by once life gets back to normal. Hopefully this week! xx

    Working Mum - *Cough* - yes of course it's a joke post darling!! Don't tell me you belived me??! xxx

    Liz - You see - there you - she's 6 and she knows already. How can an 8 and a half year old not know?? That was the thought process you see. Fat lot of good it did me though! Like I said above, next time I speak about Father Christmas to anyone, even if they're bald with false teeth, I will never assume they know...just can't take the chance! ;-) x

    WoB - Hello sweetie - you've just snuck in there - right in the middle of my commenting. Funny thing is - I've been so ridiculously slack over Christmas with commenting and reading, etc and then I just read your post about commenting etiquette and how I was so lovely for always replying to comments (ahem) and it made me get my arse in to gear to comment on these one. So thanks to you lovely I have done something that I should have done almost a couple of weeks ago. So now on to the replying to your comment bit - yes - that was my thought exactly - that she was cutting it fine, but as I found out, you never can tell. Her Mum fluffed it all, just like me. We were both a pair of stammering wallys. I'm hoping that she won't hold it against me!! x

  32. my daughter is 10. she still belives. this year she said "so-and-so told me that Father Christmas is your parents" I hust laughed and said "like I don't have enough to do!" she still believes......shucks...I still believe, sometimes mummies just help him cos he is REALLY busy.

    fabulous story - but if you said it to my child - I'd kill you (feel better now! LOL)

  33. believes and just *slaps head* no spellcheck

  34. tattooed mummy - So sorry for my ridiculously late reply to your comment!! But thanks lovely for popping over. Wow - 10!! You've done a good job lady. Bless her. And yes, I like your answer - wish I could have thought of it at the time - Mummies help him cos he's so busy!!