How to deliver an award-winning speech in 10 easy steps

Sorry, did I say award 'winning'?

My mistake.

I meant award 'giving'.

Just a subtle difference.

*cough*

Unfortunately.

I am speaking, of course, of presenting the award for the Funniest Blog at the MADs, the extravaganza that everyone is talking about, which took place last Monday at Butlins in Bognor Regis. I'll try not to delay this post with all the details of just how amazing and wonderful Butlins is because I already did that last year at the launch of the Ocean Hotel. And if you're still sniggering at the thought of me singing Butlins' praises, then click HERE and read my post. I guarantee you'll be sniggering no more.

Anyhooo, this post is not about Butlins, as great as it is, or about Sally Whittle, organiser of the MADs, as great as she is, but about me, as great as I am.

Ahem.

So without further ado, I hereby present you with my guide to preparing, writing and delivering THE presentation speech.

1. Agree three months in advance to present the award.
2. Think nothing more of it.
3. Be told, one month in advance that you will need to deliver a speech as well as the award.
4. Mildly panic, laugh nervously and then think nothing more of it.
5. With two days to go decide that you're going to ad-lib, free-flow, wing it and of course, be a resounding success.
6. With one day to go decide that it might be a better idea to at least jot down some notes.
7. With 12 hours to go, majorly panic, write a speech long enough for ten award ceremonies and go and make a cup of tea while you work out which bits to edit out.
8. With six hours to go, contact professional speech-writing friend who asks you to e-mail speech over.
9. With five-and-a-half hours to go, have said speech completely ripped to pieces with comments such as 'it's dull, flat and completely un-funny'.
10. With four hours to go, google a few parenting jokes, pack your Mum's red dress and hope for the best.

So there you go. And it all seemed so effortless at the time didn't it? Who knew?

Thank you to everyone who laughed at my jokes. Your cheques are in the post.

And of course, a huge congratulations to Slightly South of Sanity who actually won the award, rather than just presented it, meaning that she is much funnier than me and you ought to check out her blog rather than mine.

Until next time x

Laughing out loud - it's good for you

This morning I laughed out loud.

In a coffee shop.

People may even have turned to look.

Part of me wanted to share with them exactly what had made me laugh so loudly, because, d'you know what? It was such a wonderful feeling. Laughing out loud. That sudden, taken by surprise exhalation. No wonder there's such a thing as laughter therapy. The amount of endorphins I must have released would be enough to keep the whole of Brighton happy for a year.

I wanted to stand up and read the article to all those who would listen*. I wanted them to laugh as well. I wanted us all to laugh together. But I didn't think that the middle-aged lady sipping her Chai Tea Latté (I'd been in the queue behind her when she'd ordered) would appreciate Frank Skinner's take on Wayne Rooney's dalliance with a prostitute. But then again, I may have been wrong. It was extremely funny.

So instead I re-read the article, needing to replicate that feeling. The laugh out loud didn't come, obviously, seeing as I had completely taken away any element of surprise, but I smiled nonetheless, happy with the knowledge that I had, albeit for a milisecond, felt on top of the world.

And it got me thinking about what I've been missing this past year because you may or may not have noticed that I have been the world's worst blogger. Not only has my output been shameful, but I've also read a whole lot less than I used to. And I miss it. I miss the poignant posts, the heartfelt ones, the beautifully written ones and the engaging ones, but most of all I miss the funny ones. I miss the ones that make me laugh out loud and spit my PG Tips or my Sauvignon Blanc, depending on the time of the day, all over my keyboard.

However, and this post does have a point...somewhere, I aim to change all that. I aim to laugh every day and if that means blogging more and reading more, then so be it. And by way of celebration, I will be attending the MADs on Monday. And, get this, I will also be presenting an award. Guess what for? The funniest blog. I do so love it when a post comes together.

If you're also going to the MADs, do please come and say hello. I look forward to laughing out loud with you.



*And in fact I wanted to share the article with you too, but The Times wanted to charge me £1 a month to subscribe and I just couldn't do it. So you'll just have to take my word for it. Or go out and buy The Times.